source: http://linkedin.com
target: http://www.linkedin.com/nhome/?_l=ko_KR
There is a space error, …일 간. A basic grammar is dealt uncautiously.
Literal/Awkward wording.
You have shown up in search results 11 times in teh past 30 days.
다른 사람들의 (to other users) is an unnecessary addition since my profile is shown to others anyways when users search. 검색 결과에 포함된 횟수는 (have shown up in search results) sounds literal due to the 포함된 (included). 검색 결과 (search results) implies that the result shows the searches.
The two sentences show different sentence structures and make them inconsistent in terms of a sentence flow. The first one is ordered like subject + time adverb + object + verb, while the second one time adverb + subject + predicate + verb.