source: http://www.linkedin.com/home?trk=hb_tab_home_top
target: http://www.linkedin.com/nhome/?trk=hb_tab_home_top&_l=ko_KR
The alien term 비즈니스인 really bothers me.
“share your knowledge and help your network”: Awkward passive verb form in target 특별 소개되세요 which literally means “be introduced specially.” The sentence 전문가가 되어… 되세요 is completely broken.
“your company” is translated into “우리 회사 (our company)” to deliver the direct tone to the site members, but the subject 우리 just doesn’t fit in context. 고객님/회원님(customer/member) would be sufficient. As an alternative, the subject can be omitted in context.
“create one now” sounds also literal due to the dictionary meaning of the verb “create.”
Another English structure in target: “you have 0 open questions.”
0개의 답변을 기다리고 있는 질문 is a broken structure since the number comes first in the sentence and modified “답변 (answers).” This is a typical awkward wording for inanimated subjects. The structure can always be rephrased to make translated structures flow.