source: http://www.cisco.com/cisco/web/solutions/small_business/index.html
target: http://www.cisco.com/web/KR/networking/smbiz/products/index.html
원하는 비즈니스 방향으로 시행착오 없이 정확하게 나아갈 수 있도록 시스코가 도와드리겠습니다.
Awkward: 비즈니스 방향으로 (following its business plan). 방향 (directional noun) doesn’t get along with the preceding noun “business” in context due to the mixed form with English and Korean. 비즈니스 플랜 (business plan) would be more natural. The subject in the middle of the sentence is not necessary in terms of the sentence structure.
기업의 네트워크는 고객, 직원, 그리고 파트너의 커뮤니케이션 중추입니다. 라우팅 및 스위칭 기술이 이 모든 것을 가능하게 해 줍니다.
Awkward: “parters (파트너)” is a literal meaning and should be replaced with “파트너사 (partner companies)” to be parallelled with the preceding nouns. The structure of the following sentence reads English structure. The inanimated subject and verb ending should be adjusted to follow the Korean grammar.
직원을 비롯한 방문자들까지 무선 네트워킹을 통해…
“방문자 (visitors)” is a dictionary term and is limiting the intention of the sentence. It was supposed to read work-related staff within a company boundary..
직원들은 무선 네트워크를 통해 필요한 위치에서 작업할 수 있으며…
“작업 (work)” is a dictonary meaning and doesn’t fit into the context. It should be replaced with a common word 업무 (tasks). 작업 reads that IT staff is working on something for the wireless network.
통합 보안 기능이 네트워크 안팎의 위협들을 차단해 주므로…
“안팎” reads a speech tone and doesn’t get along with the IT term “network.” The sentence sounds unnatural due to the inanimated subject and the sentence structure follows English grammar. 통합 보안 기능으로 네트워크 내외부의 위협 요인들을 차단할 수 있으므로 would be a proper structure following Korean grammar.